MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
- When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt
the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
- Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
- Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday,"
If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her
to school on time.
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.