EB = Edmund Blackadder
LF = Lord Flasheart
B = Baldrick
G = George
"The Prince wants to take your daughter for his wife."
"His wife can't have her !"
- BA3
EB: "Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides looked like?"
Percy: "Sometimes My Lord, yes."
EB: "Then I have the means here to satisfy your curiosity."
"As the good Lord says, love thy fellow man as you love yourself, unless
they are Turks, then kill the bastards".
- King Richard IV, leaving for a Crusade, BA1
EB: "One more insult from him and the contract between us
will be as broken as this milk jug."
Baldric: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
EB: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric ?"
- "Sense and Sensibility"
George: "I've just had another brilliant idea."
Edmund: "Another one ?"
George: "Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants
on the outside to save on laundry bills."
- "Sense and Sensibility"
George: "Tell me about these oppressed masses. What's got them so
worked up ?"
EB: "They're upset, sir, because they are so poor that they are
forced to have children merely to provide a cheap alternative
to turkey at Christmas."
- "Sense and Sensibility"
LF: "Ask me why I don't wear any underwear"
EB: "Why don't you have any underwear?"
LF: "Because a pair of pants haven't been invented that will take the
job on. wooooow!!"
- BA4
"Madam, without you, life was like a broken pencil...pointless."
- EB to Queenie, BA2
EB: "I wish to send some party invitations. In order to make them look
particularly fierce, I wish to sign them in blood. Your blood, to
be precise."
B: "Ah, I see. Will you be requiring me to cut off an arm or a leg?"
EB: "Good lord, no! A little prick will do."
EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?
B: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open
and hope they scurry in."
EB: "Do they?"
B: "Not yet, my lord."
EB: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom."
Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose>
EB: "Why?"
B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat
instead."
- BA2
"So what you are saying, Percy, is something you have never
seen is slightly less blue than something else . . that you
have never seen?"
- EB to Percy, BA2
Prince George: "To me, Blackadder, socks are like sex. Tons of it about,
and I never seem to get any."
- BA3
EB: "You have absolutely no idea what irony is, have you Baldrick?"
B: "Yes I have. It's just like steely and goldie, 'cept it's made of iron"
"..I have decided to spend the money on... A Big Party,
Can't decide between between my two faves, so I've decided
to keep the money and spend it all on a Big Splash Up.
Hope you aren't too miffed. By-eee"
- Queen's letter on the ransoms, BA2
"Well cover me in egg and flour and bake me for 14 minutes!"
- Lt. George on discovering that the nurse was the spy, BA3
EB: "First Name?"
B: "I'm not sure."
EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
B: "It might be Sod Off."
EB: "Sod Off??"
B: "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to all
the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say, "Yes we
know, Sod Off Baldrick"
- Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..
"Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'."
- EB to B, outside the throne room after (apparently) outwitting
Melchie, BA Christmas Special
"Baldric, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato."
- EB
"I'm going to a fancy dress party as Lady Hamilton's pussy."
- EB to the Price Regent, wearing a catskin cloak he bought when he
thought he was going to be knighted.
B: "I want my mother."
EB: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very
moment."
- BA4
"I'm as excited as a terribly excited person who has a really good reason
for being terribly excited."
- G, after being asked by Gen. Melchett how he feels about going over
the top, BA4.
LF: "You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman."
BA: "So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?"
LF: "No, get in her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"
- LF, teaching the 20 minuters, BA4
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."
- somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
"I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's
bloody annoyed."
- Edmund : BA4
"My Lord, I have a cunning plan."
- Baldrick
"Baldric, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder wishes
to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."
- Edmund : Money
What are you wearing around your neck?
Ah. It's my new ruff.
You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
It's the latest fashion, actually, and as a matter of fact it makes
me look _rather sexy_...
To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps...if it was blind and hadn't
had it in months...
-- Edmund and Percy : Head
You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy?
-- Edmund : Head
I'm off to the queen.
Shall I come too, my lord?
No...better not, people might think we're friends.
-- Edmund and Percy : Head
I have taken the liberty, ma'am, of drawing up a list of suitable
candidates.
Good-oh. Let's hear it.
Ahem. List..for the Post..of Lord High Executioner...(unfurls large
scroll)...Lord Blackadder..........(rolls up scroll)
Ah-ha.
-- Melchett, Queenie and Edmund : Head
Never...ever...try to be funny in my presence again, Percy.
-- Edmund: Head
The fashion these days is towards the tiny...
Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in
Britain.
-- Percy and Edmund : Head
Now, if you play straight with me, you'll find me a considerate
employer. But cross me, and you'll soon discover that under this
playful, boyish, exterior...beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic..
..maniac.
-- Edmund : Head
You are to be congratulated, my friend. We live in an age where illness
and deformity are commonplace, and yet Ploppy, you are without a
doubt the most...repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake
your hand, but I fear it would come off.
-- Edmund : Head
Well, Farrow was rather moving, my lord. A great strong man, he stood
there gaunt and noble in the early morning mist, and in a loud, clear
voice he cried out, 'My wife might have bloody well turned up!'
-- Percy : Head
There is a great pain in my heart...
It's probably indigestion..I'll soon take your mind off that.
No. It is my husband.
Your _husband's_ got indigestion? Well, he won't be bothering us then.
No. He dies tomorrow.
Oh, come, you can't die of indigestion...
-- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
That Farrow bloke you executed today. You sure he's dead?
I cut his head off. That usually does the trick.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
Why do I have to have a bag on my head?
In order, nin-com-poop, that she should believe you're her husband!
Why..did he use to wear a bag on his head?
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Head
Look, cretins, the bag is there to obscure Baldrick's own features...
..And many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason
enough for him to wear it...
-- Edmund : Head
You fiend! What have you done to him?!!
We have put...a _bag_ over his head.
-- Lady Farrow and Edmund : Head
I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
Yes....and some _height_.
-- Lady Farrow and Percy : Head
Percy...this is a very difficult situation.
...Yes, my lord.
Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
...Yes.
...Let's face facts, Perce. It's you.
-- Edmund and Percy : Head
Well...if she sees his head on a spike..she'll realise..he's _dead_..!
-- Edmund : Head
We're training up our new executioner, and he's a little immature.
Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash...by the time he's finished
you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack...
-- Edmund : Head
Try again. One..two..three.._four_! So how many are there?
Three.
What?
...and that one.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Head
To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to
other people, wasn't it?
-- Edmund : Head
All day long you mutter to yourself...gibber, dribble, moan, and bang
your head against the wall, yelling, 'I want to die!'. Now you may
say I'm leaping to conclusions, but...you're not _completely_
happy, are you?
-- Kate to her father : Bells
"She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's
tonsils."
- LF, to camera, about Kate (Bob), Bells, BA2
I must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail
dotage.
But Father, surely...
Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
-- Kate and her father : Bells
...For 'tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignomany.
No, it isn't.
-- Kate and her father : Bells
Sorry I'm late!
Oh, don't bother apologising. I'm sorry you're alive.
-- Percy and Edmund : Bells
I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past _me_!
Well, go to Spain. There are millions of 'em.
-- Percy and Edmund : Bells
This is _the_ Jane Harrington?
(with pride) Yes!
Jane 'Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin' Harrington?
-- Edmund and Percy : Bells
You'll get over her.
(Percy readies his aim and prepares to shoot the arrow)
...I did.
(Percy is distracted, and has to re-aim.)
......So did Baldrick, in fact...
-- Edmund to Percy : Bells
Bad luck, Ballders.
Don't worry, my lord. The arrow didn't in fact enter my body. By a
thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Bells
Baldrick: (after being shot in the groin with an arrow). "I shall call it my
lucky willie. Years from now I shall take it out and show my
grandchildren.
EB: "I think grandchildren are out of the question Baldrick."
- BA2
Unfortunately I already have a servant.
The word is...that your servant is the worst servant in London.
Mmm..that's true. Baldrick, you're fired. Be out of the house in
ten minutes.
-- Kate and Edmund : Bells
I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Bells
My _father_ used to laugh at...who were those people with the funny
faces and the bells?
Ah...jesters, madam.
No...lepers.
-- Queenie and Melchett : Bells
What think you, my lord, of...'love'?
...You mean rumpy-pumpy?
-- Kate and Edmund : Bells
EB: "What is your name, boy ?"
Boy: "Kate."
EB: "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
Boy: "It's short for ... Bob."
- Kate, trying to pass as a boy, BA2
What would you say, my lord, if I were to say...'I love you'?
Umm...(strangled)..Well, it depends entirely on who you said it to.
If you said it to a horse, I'd presume you were sick...if you said it
to Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind...
-- Kate and Edmund : Bells
(Edmund and Kate wrestle each other to the floor. Their eyes meet
searchingly. Edmund slowly bends to kiss her...the door opens, and
Baldrick enters.)
Don't worry, Bob. He used to try and kill me, too.
-- Baldrick : Bells
I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof, only the Town Bailiff
says if I lie in the gutter I'll be flushed into the Thames with all
the other turds.
-- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells
Now then, what seems to be the trouble?
Well...it's my manservant.
Yes, well, don't be embarrassed. If you've got the pox, just pop your..
..er..'manservant' on the table and we'll have a look at it,shall we?
-- Doctor and Edmund : Bells
Well, of course I'm worried.
Well, of course you are. It's not every day a man wakes up to find he's
a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth
than a weasel....Ashamed of yourself?
Not really, no.
...Bloody hell, I would be.
-- Edmund and the Doctor : Bells
And I can strongly recommend...
(finishing his sentence)...a course of leeches. Oh, just pop a couple
down my codpiece before I go to bed...
-- Doctor and Edmund : Bells
(Edmund is distastefully chewing his prescribed leeches)
...Anything to follow, my lord? There's this lovely fat spider I found
in the bath. I _was_ saving it for myself, but if you'd like it...
-- Baldrick to Edmund : Bells
Tell me young crone...is this Putney?
That it be!...That it be!...
...'Yes it is', not 'That it be'. You don't have to talk to me in that
stupid voice, I'm not a tourist.
-- Edmund and crone : Bells
Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of money...(crone holds her
hand out expectantly)...which I'm not going to give to you.
-- Edmund to crone : Bells
Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a woman.
Second...she is..."
EB: "Wise?"
Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
EB: "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a
minute if you don't become more helpful."
- EB to Old Hag, Bells, BA2
It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that the
maid of honour should be a man.
Oh! Thank you very much, my lord.
...And I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense.
-- Edmund to Kate and Baldrick : Bells
For as we all know, God made Man in his own image. It'd be a sad
lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything
like _you_, Baldrick.
-- Edmund to Baldrick : Bells
There you are Ballders. You look as sweet as a little pie.
He looks like what he is - a dungball in a dress.
-- Kate and Edmund : Bells
There has been some discussion in the court on the subject of your best
man...and I thought it might be the moment to...bring the subject to
a...conclusion.
Ah yes, Percy. I would like _you_...
Oh! I'm so proud!
...Please let me finish. I would like _you_ to take this letter to
Dover...
-- Percy and Edmund : Bells
Oh come on Edmund, you _must_ be able to think of another best man...
...Well, I suppose I _could_ ask Percy...Percy?
(excited) My lord?
Can you think of another best man?
-- Queenie, Edmund and Percy : Bells
...Thanks, bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to...hang
on to!!...
-- Lord Flashheart : Bells
Nursy! I like 'em firm and fruity! Am I pleased to see you, or did I
just put a _canoe_ in my pocket?!!
-- Lord Flashheart : Bells
I've got a plan!! And it's as _hot_ as my _pants_!!!!
-- Lord Flashheart : Bells
It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the
bridesmaid...I assume you wish to honour this...?
...I do.
-- Melchett and Baldrick : Bells
Three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils out of
biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of entertainment.
-- Edmund to Melchett : Potato
Potato?
...No thanks, I don't.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Potato
Do I look absolutely divine and yet and at the same time very pretty
and rather accessible?
-- Queenie to Melchett : Potato
Well yes...I do rather laugh in the face of fear...Tweak the nose of
terror...
-- Edmund : Potato
Why, in the Cape, the rain beats down so hard,it makes your head bleed.
Oh...some sort of hat is probably in order.
-- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
Since you're clearly mad as a mongoose, I'll bid you good-day.
-- Edmund to Captain Rum : Potato
You courtiers...you're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl.
..Better lapdogs to a slip of a girl than a ..._git_.
-- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato
What's the First Mate's name?
...Percy.
A nautical cove?
Yes...Well, he's a sort of...wet fish.
-- Captain Rum and Edmund : Potato
And in Genoa, 'tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder-
braid, stand on a bucket, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by.
-- Edmund to Queenie : Head
The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are
singing...oh, look! Look! There's a man being indecently assaulted
by nine foreign sailors...and he's _still_ got a smile on his face!
-- Percy to Edmund : Potato
Now Percy, will you get out...before I cut off your head, scoop out
the insides...and give it to your mother as a vase.
-- Edmund : Potato
I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off?
Well, of course not. Who do you think you are...Watt Tyler? You can
have the afternoon off when you _die_, Baldrick, not before.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
Bloody explorers ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land...come back with a
tropical disease, a suntan, and a bag of brown lumpy things...Bob's
your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the toilet.
-- Edmund : Potato
I mean, look at this. (holds up potato) What is it?
I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
I haven't forgotten. It's a rhetorical question.
...Nah, it's a potato.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
To you it's a potato. To _me_ it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody
Raleigh...it's country estate, fine carriages, and as many girls as
his tongue can cope with.
-- Edmund to Baldrick : Potato
He's making a fortune out of the things. People are smoking them...
building houses out of them...they'll be _eating_ them next...
Stranger things have happened...
Well, exactly.
..That horse becoming Pope...
For one.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Potato
Ah, Blackadder. Started talking to yourself, I see.
Yes...it's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Potato
Let's practice. Edmund comes in and says, 'Hello Baldrick...you haven't
seen Percy, have you?', to which you reply...
Er...'No, my lord, I haven't seen him all day'.
Perfect. (front door opens) Oh my God, here he comes! (closes box lid)
(Edmund enters) Oh hello Ballders...Where the hell's that prat Percy?
You haven't seen him, have you?
(Baldrick deliberates for a while)...............Yes, my lord.
He's hiding in the box.
-- Percy, Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
'When the night is dark
And the dogs go...'bark'
When the clouds are black
And the ducks go...'quack'
When the sky is blue
And the cows go...'mooo'
Think of lovely Queenie
She'll be thinking of you.'
-- Queenie to Edmund : Potato
Goodbye, Blackadder. I'd say 'Bon Voyage', but there's no point. You'll
be dead in three months.
...I love you, Walter. I hope you know that.
-- Raleigh and Edmund : Potato
The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you.
(Hands Edmund a scroll)...It's a map of the area you'll be traversing
(Edmund unrolls it ; it is blank on both sides)...They'd be very
grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along...
-- Melchett : Potato
Caroline! I never knew you knew her!
Oh yes! I even touched her once.
...Touched her what?
Her...once. In a corridor.
I've never heard it called _that_ before.
-- Edmund and Percy : Potato
We're doomed to a watery grave with a Captain who's legless...
Rubbish!...I've hardly touched a drop!
..No, no, I mean...you haven't got any _legs_...
-- Percy and Captain Rum : Potato
We are in fact going...to France!
France!...Oh, but Edmund, surely France has already been discovered? By
the French, for a start....?
-- Edmund and Percy : Potato
The day after tomorrow we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for
France!
(All) Hooray!
(Caption: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow)
...So...You don't know the way to France..._either_.
No. I must confess that too.
...Bugger.
-- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato
Look, there's no need to panic. Someone in the crew will know how to
steer the ship.
...The crew, my lord?
...Yes, the crew.
..._What_ crew?
I was under the impression that it was common maritime practice for a
ship to have a _crew_.
Opinion is divided on the subject.
...Is it.
Yes. All the other captains say it _is_..._I_ say it _isn't_.
...Oh God...mad as a brush...
-- Edmund and Captain Rum : Potato
...Don't look much like Southampton Docks to me, my lord.
What?
Well, those streams of molten lava and that steaming mangrove swamp...
And that crowd of beckoning natives rubbing their tummies and
pointing to a pot...
...Oh, God...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Potato
He died a hero's death, dying so his friends might live...
...And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
-- Percy and Edmund : Potato
(Edmund rummages through the sack, and produces boomerang)...Ah.
(intrigued) What is it?
...A _stick_.
-- Edmund, Queenie and Melchett : Potato
"Bloody potatoes. Next thing you know, they'll be eating them."
- EB to B, Potato, BA2
Someone wants to see me at four in the morning...What is he, a giant
lark?
-- Edmund : Money
Baldrick, this is Molly ; an inexpensive prostitute.
Molly, this is Baldrick...a pointless peasant.
-- Edmund : Money
You're a one, aren't you! When you should be whispering sweet
conversational nothings like 'Gosh! Something twice the size of the
Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets', you don't
say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine and you
don't stop yabbering...
-- Edmund to Molly : Money
Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I'd have gone to
bed with Martin Luther.
-- Edmund to Molly : Money
(Edmund is in bed with a very pretty girl, obviously a prostitute)
(reading from tombstone) '...William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford
with the love of Christ...died 1563...in agony...with a spike up his
bottom'.
-- Edmund : Money
Poor Tom is cold. Pity poor Tom, for his nose is frozen, and he doth
shiver, and...is maaaddddd!!!!!
Oh, shut up.
-- Tom the Beggar and Edmund : Money
My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers. I consider myself to be
one of England's finest liers...Oh, my God, Percy, a giant humming-
bird is about to eat your hat and cloak!!!
Oh, no!! (runs out)
...You see, I'm terrific at it...
-- Edmund and Percy : Money
I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.
-- Edmund to Melchett : Money
Au contraire. I am ecstatic about the whole incident. I only didn't
laugh out loud, because if I did, I fear my _head_ would have fallen
off...
-- Edmund to Melchett : Money
I cannot believe it. She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to
Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal
Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court...and stood at the end of
passage pretending to be a door.
-- Edmund : Money
Edmund! Oh, Edmund, I've awaited your return!
And thank God you did, for I was just thinking...'My God, I die in
twelve hours. What I really need right now is a hug from a complete
_prat_.'
-- Percy and Edmund : Money
Well...I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks...
doing..._favours_ for sailors...
Favours? What...delivering messages, sewing on buttons, that sort of
thing?
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Money
Know you of such a bird?
No...but we could _make_ one...
No, we _couldn't_, Baldrick...Oh, I suppose you have to be told some-
time. What happens is, a mummy bird and a daddy bird...who love each
other very much...
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
A conversation with you, Baldrick, and somehow, death loses its sting..
-- Edmund : Money
My God!...This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the
Hundred Years War...Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?...
-- Edmund : Money
Gold! Pure gold!
...Are you sure?
Yes, my lord. Behold...
Percy...it's _green_.
-- Percy and Edmund : Money
Yes Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of
gold is _gold_. That's why it's called gold. What you have discovered
...if indeed it has a name...is some..._green_.
-- Edmund : Money
I've had some happy times here, when..when you and Percy have been out.
-- Edmund to Baldrick : Money
...Strange smell!...
Yes, that's the servant. He'll be gone.
-- Mrs Pants and Edmund : Money
You've really worked out your banter, haven't you.
Not really - this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's
called 'wit'.
-- Mr Pants and Edmund : Money
Percy...what is that on the front of your tunic?
'Tis a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned out of pure green.
...It looks like you've sneezed.
-- Edmund and Percy : Money
If I die, Baldrick, d'you think people would remember me?
...Yeah, of course they would. People would always be slapping each
other on the shoulders and laughing and saying, 'Do you remember old
Privy-Breath?'...
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
Am I then...not popular?
Um...well, put it this way...When people slip in what dogs have left in
the street they do tend to say, 'Whoops - I've trod in an Edmund'.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Money
Have you got a plan, my lord?
Yes I have...and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Money
...Drugged, by God!!
...No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same..
-- The Bishop and Edmund : Money
"Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that
I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the church?"
-- The Bishop fo Bath and Wells : Money
'Tis said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent
company, so through learned discussion, he may rise above the savage
and closer to God.
Yes, I'd heard that.
...Personally, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind
me I'm best.
-- Edmund and Percy : Beer
Percy: "But aren't they the most fanatical puritians in all of England?"
EB: "Yes, But they have one redeeming feature. Their wallets. As capacious
as an elephants scrotum, and about as difficult to get your hands on."
- BA2
"My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devils own satanic herd."
- EB, Beer, BA2
I was the man of a thousand faces.
So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
-- Percy and Edmund : Beer
Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom, Baldrick.
-- Edmund : Beer
But my lord! I've been in your family since 1532!
...So has syphilis. Now get out.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
Quick! Melchett's dying! We must do something!
Of course...Some sort of celebration...
-- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
I was awakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett...
Well!...I never knew he had it in him...
-- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
He was singing a song about a girl who possessed a...dicky di-do?
...Oh, yes. It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it.
-- Queenie and Edmund : Beer
What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros!
...If it was allergic to lemonade, that is.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Beer
Right. Now the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive
drunken lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old, and the
sophistication of a donkey.
(thinking)...Cardinal Wolsey...
-- Edmund and Percy : Beer
Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.
-- Edmund : Beer
You twist and turn like a...twisty turny thing. You're a weedy pigeon,
Blackadder, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
-- Melchett : Beer
...I found it particularly ironic, my lord, because I've got a thingy
that's shaped like a turnip!...I'm a great use at parties.
Are you.
Yes...I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Beer
Well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say 'inheritance'?
...I meant 'journey'. Well, if you'd like to help yourself to a
legacy...err..._chair_...
-- Edmund to the Whiteadders : Beer
(Percy tries to attract Edmund's attention to his comedy breasts)
Aaarrggg...aarrgggg...
Sorry, he's sick. Leprosy. Of the brain...
-- Percy and Edmund : Beer
"You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
- Lord Percy, to EB's religious Uncle Whiteadder, Beer, BA2
I believe that silence is golden.
(Edmund opens mouth to speak)..............(closes it again)......
......(clears throat)..Aaahhiinheritance.
-- Lady Whiteadder and Edmund : Beer
Sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.
Or, indeed..._any_ table.
....Except perhaps a table at a brothel. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair)
-- Lady Whiteadder, Edmund and Percy : Beer
Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy?
...No.
Good.
..apart from that colossal drunken roar. (Edmund kicks Percy off chair)
-- Edmund and Percy : Beer
Lady Whiteadder: "Edmund. I hope you haven't invited more guests. For where
there are guest there are people to fornicate with."
EB: "Well then, I'll just tell them to fornicate off."
- Beer, BA2
Get out!! Get out you libidinous swine!! And take that whore-slut
painted strumpet with you!! And may you both rot in the filth of your
own fornication!!!!
...And what did you say to _him_?...
-- Edmund and Queenie : Chains
"Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."
"If I admit that I'm in love with..."
<guard shakes his head>."
"No??"
<guard does a half somersault>
"Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his
little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument
resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that out,
and roast them over a large fire.
Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and
all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm
marmalade..
<pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation>
AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of
gardening tool.
Well in that case, I love Satan....
<guard produces a scythe>
Oh, it's a scythe....."
- EB, BA2
Oh, Edmund, you're so naughty!
I try, madam...and then ten minutes later, when I've got my breath
back, I try again...
-- Queenie and Edmund : Chains
I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...
...Oh, good. (walks off)
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
Now, am I by any chance addressing a senior dignitary of the Spanish
Inquisition? Because if I am, I would like to say that I am prepared
to tell you absolutely..._anything_.
-- Edmund to Spaniard : Chains
I hope this scum has not...inconweenienced you.
It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
inconweenience _me_...
-- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
Unless she pays up, you will die. Howwibly.
She _will_ pay up. And then _you_ will die. Howwibly howwibly.
-- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
You find yourself amusing, Herr Blackadder.
I try not to fly in the face of public opinion...
-- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
I think...that in a week from now, you will be less in the mood for
being amusing.
At least when I'm in the mood, I _can_ be amusing.
-- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
Melchett: "I'll never see England again,
Her rolling hills, her swooping swallows..."
EB: "Her playful sheep.."
- Meltchett and Blackadder in Ludwig's Prison, BA2
...There was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.
Good Lord! Not...Dimkins?
Yes! _I_...I was one of his sheep.
One of his sheep? Not...?
Yes!
Flossy???!!!
Yes!
But didn't we....
Yes, Lord Melchett!!
-- Ludwig and Melchett : Chains
She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?
...Not really. Bad luck, Mellchers.
-- Ludwig and Edmund : Chains
What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?
That depends whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
Well, perhaps some pleasant word-game?
Alright...Make a sentence out of the following words...'Face...sodding
...your...shut'.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
Are you suggesting we betray her?
Oh, yes.
...Alright.
-- Edmund and Ludwig : Chains
"Like private parts to the Gods are we, they play with us for their sport."
- Lord Melchett to EB, Chains, BA2
Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect?
What of them?
...Nothing.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Chains
Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursy is a sad, insane old
woman with an udder fixation.
-- Edmund : Chains
Did you...miss me?
I certainly did. Many was the time I said to myself...'I wish _Percy_
were here...'
Oh!...
'...being tortured instead of me...'
-- Percy and Edmund : Chains
Did you miss _me_, my lord?
Um..._Baldrick_, is it?
That's right.
No, not really.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Chains
You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your
name on it?
Yeeees....
Well, I thought if I _owned_ the bullet with my name on it, I'd never
get hit...'cos I won't ever shoot myself.
Oh. Shame.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
And the chances of there being _two_ bullets with my name on them are
very small indeed.
Yes. That's not the only thing around here that's _very small indeed_.
Your brain, for example, is so _minute_, Baldrick, that if a hungry
cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to
cover a small water-biscuit.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
Tally ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your Uncle...!
...In English we say, 'Good morning'...
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
It's the magazine that tells the Tommies the _truth_ about the War.
...Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since laws of
fidelity were included in the French marriage service...
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
Oh, come, come, sir - now, you can't deny that this newspaper is good
for the morale of the men?
Certainly not. I just feel more could be achieved by giving them some
_real_ toilet paper.
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
I smell something fishy - and I'm not talking about the contents of
Baldrick's apple crumble...
-- Edmund : Captain Cook
We didn't order those new ladders either. I issued them to the men
yesterday and they were absolutely thrilled, isn't that right, men?
Yes, sir. First solid fuel we've had since we burnt the cat!
-- George and Baldrick : Captain Cook
I, on the other hand, am a well-rounded human being, with a degree from
the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and
three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out
Of Me.
-- Edmund : Captain Cook
Great Scott, sir! You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give
Harry Hun a good old British-style thrashing, six of the best,
trousers down?
...If you mean, 'Are we all going to get killed?', then...yes.
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt
to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin...
-- Edmund : Captain Cook
I have a cunning plan to get us out of being killed, sir.
Oh yes? What is it?
Cooking...
I see. (moves off)
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
My mother...will be as pleased as Punch.
Mmmm...if only she were as _good-looking_ as Punch, Baldrick...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
You're the worst cook in the entire _world_. There are...amoeba on
Saturn who could boil a better egg then you...
-- Edmund to Baldrick : Captain Cook
Who was it then, Captain?
(replacing receiver) Strangely enough, it was Pope Gregory the Ninth,
inviting me for drinks about his steam yacht, the 'Saucy Sue',
currently wintering in Montego Bay with the English cricket team and
the Balinese Goddess of Plenty.
Really?
...No, not really.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
So - it's maximum security. Is that clear?
Certainly, sir. Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking world
is to know.
-- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook
This is going to be Art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and
told Leonardo Da Vinci that she was in a slightly odd mood...
-- Edmund : Captain Cook
Remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
About thirty-five _miles_ behind you, to be precise...
-- Melchett and Edmund : Captain Cook
They're firing, sir!! They're firing!!!
...Thank you, Lieutenant. If they hit _me_, you'll be sure to point it
out, won't you.
-- George and Edmund : Captain Cook
Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder?
Absolutely. I mean, there may have been a few more armament factories,
and not _quite_ as many elephants, but...
-- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Captain Cook
Tell me, have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir?
-- Edmund to Melchett : Captain Cook
Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?
...Rat au vin?
Yes. It's rat...
...thats been run over by a van...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Captain Cook
You'd like to book a table for three...by the window...for nine
thirty p.m....not too near the band...in the name of Oberlauten
and Von Genschler...yes...yes, I think you might have the wrong
number...
-- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Oh look, there's a little ring round its leg - there's a novelty!
Oh really? Is there a paper hat as well?
-- Baldrick and George : Corporal Punishment
Private, what is the time?
We didn't receive any messages...and Captain Blackadder definitely
did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon, sir.
...Do you want to be cremated, Baldrick, or buried at sea?
-- Melchett, Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this for some time. Clearly
Captain Blackadder has been disobeying orders with a breath-taking
impertinence.
I don't care if he's been rogering the Duke of York with a prize-
winning leek...!
-- Cpt. Darling and Melchett : Corporal Punishment
George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who
would normally disobey orders?"
Darling: "Yes."
George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
- George questions Capt. Darling, BA4
Do you know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder?
Um...courtmartial followed by immediate cessation of chocolate rations?
-- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody
Knife. A man was found next to the murdered body. He had the knife
in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim,
and when the police arrived, he said, "I'm glad I killed the
bastard". Massingbird not only got him off, he got him knighted
in the New Years Honours list, and the relatives of the deceased
had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.
-- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Baldrick, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge
bag to the finest mind in English legal history, and you sent
the note requesting legal representation to...?
(George enters) Well tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a
buzz buzz buzz...
Oh God...
-- Edmund and George : Corporal Punishment
In the school Debating Society I was voted the boy least likely
to complete a coherent...er...
Sentence?
-- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
As far as I can tell, you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to
a pile of poo...
Charming.
-- George and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
You're guilty as hell. You haven't got a chance.
Why thank you Darling. And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting
accident.
-- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
This is not food, but an escape kit!
Good Lord! With a saw, a hammer, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes,
a Swiss passport and a huge false moustache, I might just stand
a chance!
...Ah.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Ah, what's this? Unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel!
You are much mistaken.
...A pencil and a miniature trumpet.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
...A change of clothes?
Of course, sir! I wouldn't forget a change of clothes!
Well, that's something. Let's see...a Robin Hood costume.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Corporal Punishment
Mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?
No...no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week...let's see...
Thursday morning: "Get shot."...yes, that's about it, really.
-- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word 'Aim' and the word
'Fire'? Thirty or forty years, perhaps...
-- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
What wise words from the world's greatest defence council?...(reads)
...'Dear Mother'...unusual start...
-- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Baldrick! I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble
your shell-like ears!
-- Edmund : Corporal Punishment
I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls!
...Perhaps later.
-- Perkins and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
Where do you want me?
Up against the wall is traditional, sir.
Of course. Er...this side, or...?
-- Edmund and Squad Sargeant : Corporal Punishment
Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers' Society
at Cambridge. I misheard the instructions and pushed an entire
aubergine into my earhole...
-- George : Corporal Punishment
I think I can explain, sir.
Can you, Baldrick?
........No.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Corporal Punishment
I love old Chappers. Don't you, Captain?
Unfortunately, no. I find his films about as funny as getting an
arrow through the neck...and then discovering it's got a gas bill
tied to it.
-- George and Edmund : Major Star
You mustn't do that to me, sir, because that...is a borgeouise act
of repression, sir.
.....What?
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
Thank you, George, but if you don't mind I'd rather have my tongue
beaten wafer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the
floor with a croquet hoop.
-- Edmund : Major Star
(sounds of cheers...Baldrick enters the dugout)
Sir! Sir! It's all over the trenches!
Well, mop it up, then...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Major Star
Let me put it another way, Bob. You _are_ a girl. And you're a girl
with about as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses
trying to get into a polar-bears-only golf club.
-- Edmund : Major Star
I want to see how a war is fought, _so_ badly.
Well, you've come to the right place, then. There hasn't been a war
run this badly since King Otto the Incredibly Stupid ordered
8,000 viking helmets with the horns on the inside.
-- Bob and Edmund : Major Star
Baldrick, in the Amazonian rainforest there are tribes as yet untouched
by civilization who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin
impressions than yours.
-- Edmund : Major Star
It could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said,
'This Guy Fawkes bloke. Do we let him off, or what?'
-- Edmund : Major Star
We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got
himself stuck on a sticky bun.
-- Edmund : Major Star
It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm tired of
kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.'
-- Edmund : Major Star
Melchett is in mourning for the woman of his dreams. He's unlikely
to be in the mood to marry a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain.
-- Edmund : Major Star
Take a telegram. To: Mr C. Chaplin, Senate Studios, Hollywood,
California. Message reads: Congrats stop Have found only person
in world less funny than you stop Name: Baldrick stop...
Yours Captain E Blackadder stop.
P.S. Please please please please stop.
-- Edmund : Major Star
We've shot off over a million cannon shells, and what's the result?
One dachschund with a slight limp.
-- Edmund : Private Plane
I don't care how many times they go up-tiddly-up-up, they're still
gits.
-- Edmund : Private Plane
I'd love to be a flier - up there where the air is clear.
The chances of the air being clear anywhere near you, Baldrick,
are zero.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Private Plane
I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last
time I blew my nose.
-- Edmund : Private Plane
Ask them who they'd prefer to meet - Squadron Commander Flasheart
or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen and
they'll go for Wee Jock Poo Pong McPlop every time...
-- Edmund : Private Plane
I hope I snuff it right now so this moment can be preserved forever!
It can be arranged...
-- George and Edmund : Private Plane
Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his arse from his elbow!
Well, that's Baldrick out, I fear...
We're always looking for talented types to join the twenty-minuters!
...and there goes George...
-- Flasheart and Edmund : Private Plane
I've no desire to hang out with a bunch of upper-class delinquents,
do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing
around in Paris, drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens
of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping
up and down my.....hang on.....!
-- Edmund : Private Plane
Come on, I wasn't born yesterday.
More's the pity. We could have started your personality from scratch.
-- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
Trust you to try and skive off to some cushy option.
There's nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon
Corps!
-- Edmund and Cpt. Darling : Private Plane
I have a message from Baron von Richtoffen, the greatest living
German.
Which considering his competition consists entirely of very fat
men in leather shorts belching to the tune of 'She'll be Coming
Round the Mountain', is no great achievement.
-- German and Edmund : Private Plane
You used to have a rabbit. Beautiful little thing. Do you remember?
Flossy.
That's right. Flossy. Do you remember what happened to Flossy?
You shot him.
That's right. It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run
over by that car.
_Your_ car, sir.
Yes, by my car. But even that was an act of mercy when you remember
that that dog had been set on him.
_Your_ dog, sir.
-- Melchett and George : Private Plane
No more mud, death, rats, bombs, shrapnel, whizz-bangs, barbed wire
and those bloody awful songs that have the word 'Whoops' in them.
-- Edmund : Private Plane
"Whos knows the plan?
Me and you, and of course, Darling,
Field Marshall Haugue, and Field Marshell's Haugue's wife,
All her friends, her friends servants,
her friends servants tennis partners,
and some man I bumped into in the mess last week
named "######""
"So only me and the rest of the English speaking world then"
- The General and Edmund
Good Lord! Captain Blackadder! I thought you were...
...Playing tennis?
-- Cpt. Darling and Edmund : Private Plane
'After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous. He joked
and joked: 'You lucky lucky lucky bastard!', he said. And then
he laid on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench,
and shouted, 'Over here, Fritz! What about me? What about me?''
-- George : General Hospital
If I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what
_can_ I give them?
Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves, but you'd probably
think they were unhygienic.
-- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word.
-- Melchett : General Hospital
So in the name of security everyone who enters the room has to
have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?
-- Edmund : General Hospital
In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
You look surprised, Blackadder.
I cerainly am, sir. I didn't realise we _had_ any battle plans.
-- Cpt. Darling, Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
And if you come back with information, Captain Darling will pump
you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
...Not while I've got my strength he won't.
-- Melchett and Edmund : General Hospital
They might find me interesting.
Baldrick, I find the General Northern and Metropolitan sewage
system interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on
some rubber gloves and pull things out with a pair of tweezers.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : General Hospital
Ah, Captain. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little
more decorum this time.
No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.
-- Nurse Brown and Edmund : General Hospital
Surely you must have noticed something in the air?
Well yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
-- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee...
We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914; since then we've
advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with a heavy load of
shopping.
-- Edmund : Goodbyeee...
"The Germans are such a cruel and inhuman race, they have no word for
fluffy"
- BA4
We tell HQ I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back home to
Blighty before you can say 'Wibble'. Poor, gormless idiot.
But I'm a poor, gormless idiot, and I've never been invalided back
to Blighty.
Ah yes, Baldrick, but that's because you never said, 'Wibble'.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Goodbyeee...
All the men present and correct, sir. All ready for the off, eh?
I'm afraid not, Lieutenant. I'm just off to Hartlepool to buy
some exploding trousers.
I beg your pardon, sir? Have you gone barking mad?
Yes, Lieutenant, I have. Cluck cluck gibber gibber my old man's
a mushroom...etc...etc...
-- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
You'll miss the whole end of the war!
Yes, very bad luck. Beep.
Right...
Beep.
...Now, Baldrick, I'll be back as soon as I can.
Pa-paaaa.......
-- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
Till then, we've got bugger all to do except sit and wait.
Oh, I dunno sir, we could have a jolly game of charades? Or a
sing-along to musical hits such as 'Birmingham Bertie'...and
'Whoops, Mrs Miggins, you're Sitting on my Artichokes!'...
Yes...I think 'bugger all' might be rather more fun...
-- Edmund and George : Goodbyeee...
Don't worry, I could go on all night!
Not with a bayonet through your neck, you couldn't.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
All my friends are dead. My pet spider, Sammy. Katy the worm, Bertie
the bird. Everyone except Neville the Fat Hamster.
I'm afraid Neville bought it too, Baldrick. I'm sorry.
Neville gone, sir?
...Actually not quite _gone_, he's in the corner, bunging up the
sink.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
I made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says...'Bugger'.
-- Cpt. Darling : Goodbyeee...
I think the phrase rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'...
-- Edmund : Goodbyeee...
We've had some good times, we've had some damnably good laughs,
haven't we?
Yes...can't think of any _specific_ ones myself...
-- George and Edmund : Goodbyeee...
Why, the public love me! Only the other day I was out in the street
and they sang, 'We hail Prince George! We hail Prince George!'
'We _hate_ Prince George', sir. 'We _hate_ Prince George'.
-- George and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
I will return before you can say, 'Antidisestablishmentarianism'.
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. Antidistibbilitz...
Antimisdibbilince....
(Caption : Two Days Later)
....Antidistinctlymintymempsbalism...
-- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty
Now...'Any history of insanity in the family?'...Tell you what,
I'll just cross out the 'in'...'Any history of _sanity_ in the
family?'...(writes)...'None whatsoever'...
-- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
"They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain.
They are, of course, wrong as you shall find out when I stick this toasting
fork in you.
- EB to Mrs Miggins after being called a mere butler, BA3
Oh? And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo?
Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?
-- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
-- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it
a weasel.
-- Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
What's he like?
Well, according to Who's Who, his interests include flogging servants,
shooting poor people, and the extension of slavery to anyone who
hasn't got a knighthood.
-- George and Edmund : Dish and Dishonesty
Blackadder! What time is it?
Three o'clock in the afternoon, your Highness.
Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
-- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Sir Thomas Moore, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant
his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself as the flames
licked higher, that it never occured to him to say, 'I recant
my Catholicism'.
-- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
It's the most pointless book since 'How to Learn French' was translated
into French.
-- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Something's always wrong, Ballders. The fact that I'm not a millionaire
aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant
niggle to me.
-- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm inuspeptic, frasmotic...even compunctious
to have caused you such pericumbobulations.
-- Edmund to Dr. Johnson : Ink and Incapability
Leaving already, Doctor? Not staying for your pentadigestory
interludicules?
-- Edmund to Dr. Johnson : Ink and Incapability
A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, unless by some
miracle your Coffee Shop has started selling coffee.
-- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Ink and Incapability
And, of course, when the people find out you've burnt Doctor Johnson's
dictionary, they may go around saying, 'Look, there's Thick George
...he's got a brain the size of a weasels wedding tackle'.
-- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
Some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
You're right. It is absurd.
Unless, of course, it was a particularly _stupid_ donkey...
-- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
...the only book in the world that is even better.
Oh? And which book is this? Dictionary II? Return of the Killer
Dictionary?
-- Dr. Johnson and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript...belonging to Dr Johnson.
You mean the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left?
Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.
So...you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string
belonging to the big baity fellow in a black cape who just left
is?
Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted
bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect
sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers.
For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript?
On the fire.
On the WHAT?!!
...The hot orangy thing below the stony mantlepiece.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Ink and Incapability
Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all
his hellish instruments of death, would be as nothing compared
to five minutes with me...and this pencil.
-- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore
leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
-- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
I have a cunning plan, sir.
Hoorah! Well, that's that, then.
-- Baldrick and George : Ink and Incapability
I'm afraid there's been a change of plan. I'm off to the kitchen
to hack my head off with a big knife.
-- Edmund to George : Ink and Incapability
(reads) 'Medium sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement'
...doesn't sound much like a bee to me...
It's an aardvark!! Can't you see that, your Highness, it's a bloody
aardvark!!!!
-- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
I've done 'B'.
Really? How did you get on?
Well - I had a bit of trouble with 'belching'...but I think I've
got it sorted out in the end. (Burps) Oh no! There I go again!!
-- George and Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Baldrick? Who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian? Oh
God, it's a dream, isn't it. It's a bloody dream...
-- Edmund : Ink and Incapability
Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick.
It is if you sit on one.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Ink and Incapability
Sir, the type of woman currently favoured in France are toothless
crones who just cackle insanely.
Oh, ignore that. They're just playing hard to get.
By removing all their teeth, going mad and ageing forty years?
That's right, the little teasers!
-- Edmund and George : Nob and Nobility
Do you speak English?
Ah...a little.
Yes - when you say 'a little' what exactly do you mean, I mean
can we talk, or are we going to spend the rest of the afternoon
asking each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?
No - I can order coffee...deal with waiters...make sexy chit-chat
with girls, that sort of thing...just don't ask me to take a
physiology class or direct a light opera...
-- Edmund and Count Frufru - Nob and Nobility
I've been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.
-- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
So what's the plan?
We do...nothing.
Yup. That's another world-beater.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Nob and Nobility
We do nothing until our heads have actually been cut off.
And then we...spring into action?
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
Ah, bonjour, Monsieur.
Sod off.
-- Frenchman and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
I was merely pointing out that smuggling aristcrats out from under
the noses of French revolutionaries is about as difficult as
putting on a hat.
-- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her
that I've been alive all the time...it's just that I couldn't
be bothered to get in touch with the old bat.
-- Edmund to George : Nob and Nobility
I want to be young and wild, and then I want to be middle-aged and
rich, and then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending
that I'm deaf.
-- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
Hooray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Yes, Baldrick.
And you killed him!
Yes, Baldrick.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Nob and Nobility
Scarlet Pimpernel, my foot. Scarlet Git, more like.
-- Edmund : Nob and Nobility
You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice?
No. I'm off to the theatre.
What, don't you like it?
No, I don't. A load of stupid actors, strutting around, shouting,
with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples
were attached to a pair of charging rhinoceros.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, the Prince
yelled out, 'Look behind you, Mr Caesar'.
-- Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence.
I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course.
-- Baldrick : "Sense and Sensibility"
Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?
I think it might have been _you_ he was after, sir.
Oh, hogwash. What on earth makes you say that?
Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words,
'Death to the Stupid Prince'.
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
These are volatile times, your Highness. The American Revolution
lost your father the colonies, the French Revolution murdered
brave King Louis, and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia.
Although that might be something to do with the sausages.
-- Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Disease and deprivation stalk our land like...two giant...
...stalking things.
-- Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
You mean they acually rehearse? I thought they just got drunk, put
on a silly hat and trusted to luck.
-- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : "Sense and Sensibility"
They do say, Mrs M., that verbal insults hurt more than physical
pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover...when
I stick this toasting fork in your head.
-- Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
(George flouts a large cape and huge false moustache)
Well, what do you think?
...Are you ill or something?
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows? Last time we
went to the theatre, three of them murdered Julius Caesar. And
one of them was his best friend, Brutus.
As I have told you about eight times, the man playing Julius Caesar
was an actor, called Kemp.
Really?
Yes.
Thundering gherkins, well Brutus must have been pretty miffed when
he found out.
What?
That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called
Kemp. You reckon he didn't go round to Caesar's place _after_ the
play and kill him then?
Oh God, it's pathetic.
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
My Uncle was in a play once. It was called Macbeth.
What did he play?
Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
So he was a _stunt_ codpiece, then?
Yeah.
Did he have a large part?
...Depends who was playing Macbeth.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Look! He's got a bomb!
It's not a _bomb_, sir, it's a _sponge_.
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Why, your very posture tells us, 'Here is a man of true greatness'.
Either that, or, 'Here are my genitals. Please take them.'
-- Mossop and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Get out, Blackadder, and stop corking our juices.
Certainly, your Highness. I'll leave you to dribble in private.
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party, _I'm_ the one
who has to wear the red nose and the pointy hat for winning the
'Who's got the Stupidest Master' competition.
-- Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and
friendly companionship.
Ah. Thank you, Mr.B.
But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore
confine myself to saying, simply, 'Sod Off', and if I ever meet
you again it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : "Sense and Sensibility"
Oh, come on Mr.B., it's not as if we're all going to get murdered
or anything the minute you leave, is it?
...Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Thank God you're here! We desperately need you!
Who, me sir? Mr. Thicky Black Thicky Adder Thicky?...Mr Hopelessly
Drivelly Can't Write For Toffee Crappy Butler Weed?...Mr Brilliantly
Undervalued Butler Who Hasn't Had a Raise in a Fortnight?
Take an extra thousand. Guineas? Per month?
...Alright, what's your problem?
The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! They intend
to kill us all!
What - are they going to bore us to death?
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
Well done, Bladder. How can I ever thank you?
Well, you can start by not calling me 'Bladder', sir.
-- George and Edmund : "Sense and Sensibility"
I was hoping that you might play the title role, sir.
What a roaringly good idea. What's the play called?
'Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks...and gets Pelted with
Rancid Tomatoes'...
-- Edmund and George : "Sense and Sensibility"
And what have I got to show for it? Nothing. A butler's uniform
and a slightly effeminate hairdo.
-- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
Honestly, Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican. No matter where
I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me.
-- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
Don't worry, Mr.B. I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Yes, Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem
of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head...
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
You know the kind of girls I like. They've got to be lovers...laughers
...dancers...
...And bonkers...
-- George and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
...thirty-nine are mad.
Well, they sound ideal.
They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich
to the same horse.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
Well, there's Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin...we'll never get _her_
to marry him.
Why not?
Because she's _met_ him...
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
Baldrick, why is half the front page missing?
...I don't know.
You _do_ know, don't you.
Yes.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation.
So is going to the toilet in the middle of the night, but you don't
keep a scrapbook on it.
-- Baldrick and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
As soon as I get to the Naughty Hellfire Club, I'll be debagged
and radished for non-payment of debts.
Radished, sir?
Yes, they pull your breeches down and push a large radish right
up your...
Yes, yes, yes, alright sir. There's no need to hammer it home.
As a matter of fact, they do often have to...
No! No!
-- George and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
His family's got more mills than...than you've got brain cells,sir.
How many mills?
Seven.
Ah yes, that is a lot!
-- Edmund and George : Amy and Amiability
Prince George is shy, and just _pretends_ to be bluff and crass,
and unbelievably thick and gittish.
-- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability
I can see where your daughter gets her ready wit...
I thank you.
...although where she gets her good looks and charm is perhaps more
of a mystery...
-- Edmund and Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability
Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick, you'll be washing
spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
-- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
(reads) 'Lovely little dumpling, how in love I am,
Let me be your shepherdkins, you can be my lamb.'
...Well, I think we'll be very lucky if she doesn't just come out
onto the balcony and _vomit_ over us...
-- George : Amy and Amiability
Mind, sir, or I shall take off my belt, and by thunder! my trousers
will fall down.
-- Mr Hardwood : Amy and Amiability
Sir. You know I told you to go out and spend a lot of money on
wedding presents. Well, apparently...(sees masses of gold finery
and piles of glittering ornaments)
Mmm?
......Nothing.
-- Edmund and George : Amy and Amiability
By an extraordinary stroke of coincidence, it is a rotten borough.
...Really? Is it? Well, lucky, lucky us. Lucky, lucky, cluck-cluck
cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck, CLUCK...
....You don't know what a rotten borough _is_, do you sir.
-- Edmund and George : Dish and Dishonesty
...As dead as that squirrel.
Which squirrel?
(Amy shoots, we hear an 'eep' as the bullet hits, and a thud
as the creature falls to the ground)
...Oh, _that_ squirrel.
-- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
And yes - I crave your strong, sinewy body.
Well...you're only human.
-- Amy and Edmund : Amy and Amiability
I dunno...I'll have to think about it...I've thought about it. It's
a brilliant plan.
-- Edmund to Amy : Amy and Amiability
I laugh in the face of danger. I drop ice cubes down the vest of
fear.
-- Edmund : Amy and Amiability
Then I'll probably drop her, and get two hundred concubines to share
my bed.
Won't they be rather prickly?
...Concubines, Baldrick, not porcupines.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
From now on, you'll stand out in life as an individual.
Will I?
Well, of course you will. All the other slaves will be black.
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
Mrs M., if we were the last three humans on Earth, I'd be trying
to start a family with Baldrick.
-- Edmund to Mrs Miggins : Amy and Amiability
...or I'll fill you so full of lead we could sharpen your head
and call you a pencil!
Amy to Edmund : Amy and Amiability
Baldrick! Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new experience!
What experience is that?
Being pleased to see you...
-- Edmund and Baldrick : Amy and Amiability
Aha! Brekkers! I could eat fourteen trays of it this morning, and
still have room for a dolphin on toast.
-- George : Amy and Amiability
Oh Amy, I shall never forget you...never...ever...never...ever...
...Right. What's for breakfast?
-- George : Amy and Amiability
Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable,
I'd have bought one at the market.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood being
servant to a master with the intellectual capacity of a jug walrus
and the social graces of a potty.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
We're about as similar as...two completely dissimilar things
in a pod.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
He's mad. He's mad! He's madder than mad Jack McMad, winner of last
year's Mr Madman competition.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
Ah, Blackadder. Notice anything...unusual?
Yes, sir. It's eleven thirty in the morning, and you're moving about.
Is the bed on fire?
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
And then these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered
in my ear...that they loved me.
And what happened after you woke up, sir?
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
I was in a coach, flying through the London night, bound for the
ladies' home...
Oh...and which ladies' home is this? A Home for the Elderly, or
a Home for the Mentally Disadvantaged?
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
You're perfectly safe...
Hoorah!!
...Until six o'clock tonight.
Hooroo.
-- Edmund and George : Duel and Duality
Perhaps this disgusting degraded creature is some sort of blessing
in disguise?
Well, if he is, it's a very _good_ disguise.
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses
in his torment?
No.
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
Yes, yes, but he'd be fabulously rewarded. Money...titles...castles...
...A coffin...
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending
with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that
you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy
hat?
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
It's like that story...'The Prince and the Porpoise'.
'...and the _Pauper_', sir.
Oh, yes, yes, 'The Prince and the Porpoise...and the Pauper'.
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
Oh, God. Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
-- Edmund : Duel and Duality
I'm afraid the duel is off.
Off?
As in 'sod'.
-- Edmund and George : Duel and Duality
I die...I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country.
I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. If I were you I'd try for
something a bit more realistic.
Like what?
Um...you hope that men will think of you...as a bit of a thicky?
-- George and Edmund : Duel and Duality
"Death and famine stalk the land like two great stalking things."
"Baldrick, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself
purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'Subtle plans are here
again'."
- Blackadder to Baldrick, outside the throne room after
(apparently) outwitting Melchie, Blackadder Christmas Special
"I don't care if he has been rogering the Duke Of York with a large
leek. He killed my pigeon."
- General Melchett on the death of his 'Speckled Jim'
EB: "So what you're saying, Percy, is that something you have never seen
is only slightly less blue than something else that you have never
seen."
EB: "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
B : "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do
to each other."
B: "I have a cunning plan, my lord."
B: "Wait a moment, my lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!"
"As the good Lord says, love thy fellow man as you love yourself, unless
they are Turks, then kill the bastards".
- [King Richard IV, leaving for a Crusade, BA1]